BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
