she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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