I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
People in love make me want to vomit
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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