Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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