I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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