Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
