Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
