No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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