So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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