Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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