My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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