guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I skipped work to stalk him.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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