I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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