Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
