how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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