Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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