Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
