im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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