This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
