and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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