i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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