You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
