My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My bed smells like the plague
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
