My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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