I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
