I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
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i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
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No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
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