Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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