His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
