now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
