just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
