Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
