We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
