Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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