doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
