He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
