I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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