I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I look better un-naked...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
