Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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