Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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