You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
