you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
