I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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