Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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