i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There was a lot of him and a little penis
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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