I wish my penis had an off switch
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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