I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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