All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
