my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
