I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
sarcasm needs its own font
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
