dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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