She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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