Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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