i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
