Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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