I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
