apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
