I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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