I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
