So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
